So it has been 4 months since I last wrote, just sometime after finishing the LA Marathon. I've been busy, I've been active, but I have not been online as much as I have been in the past. However, I will try to make amends in time.
I am sitting on the edge of starting another event - a half-Ironman. The last half-Ironman I did was in Oceanside in April 2004. That was a long day and I have not tackeld that distance then. I have done Olympic and Sprint distances, and even attempted Ironman, but not the 70.3 as it is now known. This race in Vineman (aka Napa Valley) is on the 20th of this month and is the launch point for Ironman Arizona in November. It is a point of checking in as well, to see how I feel and how my mind is.
It really is all about the mind these days. I find myself giving up too easily at times and having to work very hard at reaching deep into my soul to find the strength to keep moving forward. I eventually find source of strength and move forward, but it is not as easy as it used to be. Some times I wonder if I have gotten soft or am not touch enough. I don't know.
But I do know that when I dig in, it is deep and powerful. I am much stronger and tougher now that I have ever been. I can feel the power when I search for it. But doubt holds me back at times. I find myself wondering if I really do have enough energy to go just a bit harder to finish sooner. I worry about fading or bonking.
These are the thoughts that I must deal with this week. These are the doubts I must remove and come to terms with. In a way, I seem to have forgotten that this is not an easy journey. A half-Ironman is difficult, it is supposed to be difficult. That's why it exists. These events are meant to test the body and mind. Doing nothing is easy.
I joke around with the expression: where there is pain, there is healing. Now while it might not apply to all situations, in Ironman and triathlon, it seems to apply well. The pain is a means of reaching the finish, of crossing the line, of telling yourself that nothing is impossible. People talk about the possibility of anything, but few actually believe it or live it.
For whatever reason, I have been hiding from possibility and allowing impossibility to enter my mind. It seems silly, but perhaps that is what has been going on. I don't know if it is my age or some sort of dissatisfaction of where I am with my life, but this has been happening. And thinking that there are limits in your reality will create limits.
And thus I find myself standing on the edge again. I could easily walk away and blame my lack of participation on my age, or my limiations, or my lack of time.
Or I can wear the wetsuit, strap on the helmet, lace up the running shoes and go as hard and fast as I can go and prove to only myself that the dream is still alive. The dream that has kept me up at night wondering how it will feel. The dream that began from the first day I read about an event called Ironman and felt my spirit leap forward and declare that someday I would cross the line.
The moment begins on July 20th.
I am ready.